I’d like to say I’m not a liar, but…

“There are things which a man is afraid to tell even to himself, and every decent man has a number of such things stored away in his mind.” ~ Fyodor Dostoevsky

I mean, I usually tell the truth to other people, about events and whether I like their haircut and all that.

I don’t willfully misrepresent the Gospel or the Scriptures.

I don’t use bait and switch tactics or advertise falsely in my business.

No, most of my lies are to myself. In my mind my motivations are pure and my actions righteous. If I endure the pain of inner honesty, though, there’s a lot of selfishness. A lot of choices I convinced myself were ok, but aren’t.

If I pry back a few grimy layers of self-deception it becomes obvious that most of the time I care more about how others perceive me than how they are hurting when I apologize.

I’m quick to verbally offer forgiveness, but so slow to actually let go in my heart.

I believe in holiness and real sanctification. God is making me new. But there’s a whole lot of work yet to be done. That’s why I know I still have to cling to grace for every fleeting choice and passing thought.

I can’t do without God’s gifts. Some days it’s hard for me to remember they’re even there…times like that make me so thankful to be explicitly invited to Jesus’ table every week for bread and wine, forgiveness and promises, a renewed awareness of the Spirit inside me.

I’m grateful that when my heart condemns me, God is greater than my heart. Because when I’m real with myself, my heart is both condemning and condemnable.

So…I’d like to say I’m not a liar, but that just wouldn’t be honest.

This song pretty much sums it up, way better than I can do in writing.